The Sex Talk
by RedPrince-Chan
Summary: Its about time when Renesmee and Jacob start dating. But before they can even hold hands Edward and Bella give them 'the talk'. I think its funnier then it sounds lol


The Sex Talk

"Its Time" Bella told her loving husband Edward, who looked like he was about to pass out. Somehow sweat poured from his white brow, as he let a groan out, but nodding all the same. "heads or tails?" he asked with a sigh hoping that he didn't pick the losing side. "Tails…" said Bella simply, not having a care in the world. Reaching into his pocket he looked for a coin, forming a lop sided grin he pulled out only his hand.

"Sorry Bells I guess we have to wait I forgot to get a nickel". He turned and was about to leave when Bella spoke up, "Its okay, I brought one," she smirked and flipped it "well I'll see you tonight" she said and left. After a few moments Edward let out a labored breath before turning around and looking down at the damned nickel. Tears formed in his golden eyes before he fell to his knees, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" he cried before he slumped over onto the ground.

---------------Meanwhile at the Cullen's house----------------

Upon hearing their brothers cry of anguish, they cringed at what laid ahead. Each saying a silent prayer, they made there way to their girls to thank them for not giving them daughters. Though in contrast all the girls laughed evilly as they sent little Renesme to her father for 'the talk'.

---------------Back to Edward----------------

Tensing he looked over his shoulder to see his daughter skipping toward him with a big smile. Little did he know Bella already gave her the talk, and is making him do it as pay back. "H-hey sweetie, mmm just sit here for me okay?" he took a deep breath, even though he didn't really breath anything. "we're going to talk, mmm about the birds and the bees…"

Renesme's eyebrows furrowed. "The birds and the bees?" Edward grew more flustered. "Yeah, see, um….okay, that's not going to work…maybe going straight forward is the right tactic? I don't know! Talking about this with your baby girl is so twitter-paiting!"

"Why are you talking to yourself?"

He closed his mouth. Then opened it to say something, then closed it again. "Daddy, just tell me!"

"O-ok…umm, okay, males have this special part…and females….um, they have a different s-special part. And those parts are very, very personal….um…."

"Okay? Is that all you had to tell me?"

"N-not exactly… O-ok, um, also Those two special parts m-make babies…"

"Oh, Dad-"

"And those two parts are called the p-….penis…..that's the part that males have….and the v-….-deep breath-…va-"

"But, dad-" "Don't interrupt me, sweetie. This is already very hard for me!"

Nessy's face was red, and Edward's face was twitchy. "The female part is called the vagina!" Edward said quickly and quietly. _Why me?!_

"Daddy, I-"

"And th-the p-….let's call it a bee…..and the o-other part a…flower….okay, the bee goes into the flower…and it fertilizes the flower, and….umm….not always, but a lot of the time if you don't use protection, then more flowers are made….or bees…not always flowers…."

"DAD! I Know."

"W-w-what? W-what do you mean?"

"Daddy, I know about sex! Mommy already told me. Can I go now?"

Edward just sat there as Nessy left to tell her aunts about her embarrassing father.

Edward knew two thing at the end of this night. 1. No matter what Bella did he was NEVER going through that again. And 2 She was going to pay…

-------------With Bella and Jacob-------------------

At the same time Bella made her way to Jacob's house in La Push. Getting out she met an angry Jacob, but she just walked right passed him and walked into his house. "hey Billy!" she said happily as she sat on the couch. "hello Bella" he said and left, he didn't want to be here when Bella explained the 'thing' again. You see young humans, Bella had called poor Billy and told him of her coming (no pun intended).

Making her self comfortable she pulled a bag out her jacket., when Jacob stormed in "What are you doing here Bella!!," he yelled "You know vampires are not allowed here!" Bella looked at him before pulling out a signed paper from the bag, Jacob turned red, then green, and then back to red. Bella thought that it reminded her of tomatoes for some reason.

The paper was a signed document that allowed Bella to come into La Push for the day for her one Purpose… to give him 'the talk'…

In the back of his mind Jacob made a mental note to kill Sam for signing this.

Bella cleared her throat to get Jacob's attention. "sit" she said. Obediently he fell to his butt in front of her. "now… I know that you know how to make babies… I am here to tell how to NOT make babies with MY little girl, got it?" she said so sweetly that it scared him.

His silence made her smile, "Here. We. Go..." she whispers darkly before reaching her hand into the dark bag between her legs. "ah..." she lifted her rm out, reviling a knife in her hand.

"umm....Bella..." he whimpered as his hands went to his package. "W-what are you doing?" he asked shakily as he scooted back away from the knife wielding she vamp, as she looked at the blade in a dream like gaze.

At the sound of his voice she snapped from the gaze and looked at him with one delicate eyebrow rising. "what are you doing?" she asked , as she bit her lip to keep from laughing.

Jacob did nothing but scoot back more. Shacking her head, Bella reached into the bag with her other hand, making Jacob whimper and shack. Her hand coming back out Jacob let out a yelp and jumped to his feet.

"Jake...chill-ax its a banana!" she said in a fit of giggles. "sit down, im not gonna cut you." she waited to after he sat down "yet... Mowhahahahahahaha"

"Jacob, Jake," she lifted the banana in front of her and had her knife at the ready "this is what is going to happen if you have unprotected sex with my baby." with her vampire speed she sliced the end of the banana off.

making Jacob gulp he moved slightly making sure he was all there. "now this is how you put a condom on." she threw the banana and knife to one side and pulled out another banana and a condom from the bag. thinking ahead she didn't need to take it out of the wrapper.

"watch carefully" she murmured as she slid the condom on the fruit, before she tossed that too to the side. "never say that its not big enough..." she pulled out another open condom and proceeded to stretch it over her hand all the way to her shoulder, before taking it off.

"just so you know that was a magnum size one." she said as she stood and threw the bag to Jacob. "Renenesme, is going to be here later, give her these" she said bounily before literaly bouncing out the door.

"What the hell..." muttered Jacob.

A.N.// Sorry that its so short! But I didnt know what eles to put lol


End file.
